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pleasure; a noxious thing, cherishing the germs of indignation at
their treatment, of contempt of their judgment. I know that had I been
a sanguine, brilliant, careless, exacting, handsome, romping child-
though equally dependent and friendless- Mrs. Reed would have
endured my presence more complacently; her children would have
entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow-feeling; the
servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the
nursery.
Daylight began to forsake the red-room; it was past four o'clock,
and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight. I heard the
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rain still beating continuously on the staircase window, and the
wind howling in the grove behind the hall; I grew by degrees cold as a
stone, and then my courage sank. My habitual mood of humiliation,
self-doubt, forlorn depression, fell damp on the embers of my decaying
ire. All said I was wicked, and perhaps I might be so; what thought
had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death? That
certainly was a crime: and was I fit to die? Or was the vault under
the chancel of Gateshead Church an inviting bourne? In such vault I
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