Johannes Vermeer View Of Delft paintingJohannes Vermeer The Kitchen Maid paintingPierre Auguste Renoir Girls at The Piano painting
which I had struck down what was most precious to me. Yet alas: hating her, I recognized my hateful humanness, and then but hated myself the more. Thus mired and bound I groaned aloud: nothing is loathsomer than the self-loathing of a self one loathes.
"I don't want to be a man!" I cried. "I don't know what I want!"
"Bah, you want to grow up," my keeper said. "That's what's at the bottom of it. And you will, one way or the other."
I told him I had sworn to let Lady Creamhair know tomorrow of my decision.
"Let me know too," Max grunted, and lay down for the night.
Sweet sleep: it was a boon denied me. Long after Max had set to snoring I tossed in my corner, remembering his words and reimagining Creamhair's kiss. Anon I was driven to embrace Redfearn's Tommy in his stall; but he was alarmed by the strange scent of me (which my own nose, fickle as its owner, had long since lost hold of), and warned me to keep my distance. I let him be and went next door to the doe pens, envious and smarting. There too my presence caused a stir, but Mary V. Appenzeller knew me under any
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